As the digital narrator began detailing the psychological mechanics of the people-pleasing trauma response, the road trip shifted course. Over the next several hundred miles, the narrative was punctuated by frequent pauses, nods of recognition, and candid discussions about how each partner individually exhibits fawning behavior in their daily lives. For the author, who is a fellow blogger for Psychology Today, the encounter with Dr. Clayton’s work offered a stark and revealing mirror. Dr. Clayton’s widely read posts on the platform have previously attracted more than one million views, a level of readership that now makes complete sense to those newly primed to recognize the subtle, often invisible markers of fawning. As the author notes, nearly everyone in her immediate circle fawns at least a little bit, though she harbors a lingering fear that she may indulge in the behavior far more than most.
To understand fawning is to understand the lesser-known fourth pillar of the human stress response. Alongside the widely recognized trio of fight, flight, and freeze, fawning represents a distinct behavioral adaptation to perceived threats. As defined by psychotherapist Pete Walker, fawning is essentially a response to danger by becoming more appealing, accommodating, or submissive to the source of the threat. On an internal, emotional level, the experience of fawning often manifests as an overwhelming sensation of making oneself small, shrinking away from conflict or space-taking in an effort to neutralize hostility.
This internal sensation of smallness can persist even when external appearances suggest otherwise. Despite standing considerably taller than the average woman—to the point where she was once described as "formidable" by an old online dating prospect—the author admits to frequently feeling quite small in her internal landscape. The roots of this dynamic run deep into her childhood, having grown up in an emotionally and physically abusive household. In that environment, standard protective instincts such as fighting back, attempting to flee, or freezing in place consistently yielded painful outcomes at the hands of her caregivers.
It was not until she reached adulthood that she fully realized she could effectively defuse conflict and safeguard her well-being by accommodating the interests of others, even when it meant doing so at the direct expense of her own. In hindsight, she sees the steep and compounding price paid for keeping the peace through self-erasure.
Initially, fawning appeared to yield positive social dividends. The behavior seemed to function smoothly in budding romantic relationships, offering a frictionless way to connect. However, this early utility quickly overshadowed a critical casualty: she lost sight of her own essential needs. Pleasing others gradually morphed from a conscious survival tactic into a second-nature reflex deployed automatically at home, at school, and in the professional sphere. As she ran herself ragged attempting to fulfill the endless wants and expectations of those around her, she slowly lost her voice and effectively chipped away at her own backbone.
The peak of this exhausting cycle of appeasement arrived over a decade ago during high-stakes divorce negotiations. While her initial hope was to achieve an amicable settlement based fairly on their respective circumstances, the pressure of the situation triggered her old trauma responses. She nearly acquiesced to a deeply lopsided property agreement simply to make the conflict go away. Recognizing her rising panic, she stepped back, pumped the brakes, and took a few crucial days to regroup. Bolstered by the practical support and financial acumen of a trusted friend, she returned to the table and presented her ex with a best and final offer. The proposal penciled out much more equitably for her while impacting her former partner only minimally. Then, she stopped talking and simply waited for a response.
In those long, agonizing moments of silence across the negotiating table, she could almost physically feel her long-suppressed backbone regenerating itself. She took a deep breath and allowed herself to rest in the quiet space. For the first time in a very long time, she did not feel small. Instead, she successfully reconnected with her personal integrity, accompanied by a resilient streak of grit that she had long ago surrendered to the habit of fawning. Looking back, she is proud to report that she prevailed.
Today, her life looks markedly different. She is currently in a multi-year partnership built upon a foundational commitment to honesty and mutual respect. While she and her partner exhibit different styles of fawning, both individuals are actively learning to identify, confront, and revise their own behavioral patterns. Every single time she successfully articulates her needs, the lingering anxiety that once followed her statements feels a bit lighter. And when she occasionally slips back into old habits and resorts to fawning, she quickly catches herself, pauses to take a deep breath, and tries again.
