In the digital age, social media interaction is often quantified by metrics—likes, shares, comments, and followers. These digital signals have become the standard currency of human connection. However, a significant segment of the population participates in these spaces in a vastly different way: they watch, they observe, and they consume content without ever leaving a digital footprint. This phenomenon of “lurking”—a term that has evolved from a derogatory descriptor into a recognized, often nuanced, mode of engagement—has recently come under the spotlight in the field of psychology.
Dr. Jasmine Mohsen, a Ph.D. researcher, recently addressed the complexities of this behavior, noting that it is far more than a simple lack of interest. In response to a recent Psychology Today Essential Read on the subject, Mohsen explores the hidden motivations behind the silent observer. While many social media users are motivated by a desire to curate a persona or build a community, others, like Mohsen herself, utilize these platforms as a quiet, private space to process complex personal experiences.
The Therapeutic Utility of Digital Observation
For many, the motivation behind "lurking" is rooted in the navigation of grief. Digital platforms, while often criticized for their superficiality, can serve as a repository of memory and a vehicle for connection for those who have experienced profound loss. Research by Kakar and Oberoi (2016) underscores this reality, noting that despite varying public opinions on the sincerity or appropriateness of public mourning, the use of social media to process bereavement is a firmly established and therapeutic reality for many users.
Mohsen’s own experience provides a compelling case study. She frequently observes the public Instagram account of the daughter of a late friend—a young woman now navigating the complexities of college life. By maintaining a silent, non-interactive presence, Mohsen is able to bridge the gap between her past friendship with the girl’s mother and the daughter’s current trajectory toward adulthood. This digital window does not serve as a way to intrude, but rather as a way to maintain a connection to a legacy that remains deeply important to her.
The literature suggests that digital spaces can be uniquely suited for this type of grief work. Unlike traditional social gatherings, where one might be expected to perform a specific role or engage in conversation, the digital space allows the observer to set their own pace. It provides a sanctuary where memories can be revisited and milestones can be acknowledged in private, away from the scrutiny of a broader audience.
Navigating Boundaries and Developmental Milestones
A critical aspect of Mohsen’s behavior is her strict adherence to personal boundaries. Because her late friend’s daughter keeps her account public, Mohsen is able to view her updates without formally following the account or initiating a request for contact. This is a deliberate choice. It acknowledges a fundamental reality of their relationship: while the bond between Mohsen and the girl’s mother was deep and long-standing, that same emotional history cannot be identical for the daughter, who was only a teenager when she lost her parent.
This distinction is vital. Mohsen understands that her connection to the young woman is mediated by the memory of her mother, and she is careful not to impose herself on the daughter’s developmental journey. By remaining a silent observer, she respects the daughter’s autonomy and the sensitivity of her past. She observes the young woman’s international travels, her academic achievements, and her social growth from a distance, finding comfort in seeing the ways in which the daughter reflects her mother’s likeness.
This period of the daughter’s life—emerging adulthood—is a stage marked by significant neurological and social change. As identified by psychologist Jeffrey Arnett (2000), emerging adulthood is a critical phase of identity exploration. For an individual who lost a parent during adolescence, this period can be particularly complex. Ongoing research by Soetioso and Fithriyah (2026) highlights the long-term, evolving nature of grief in children and adolescents, noting that it remains a significant factor in their development well into their twenties.
For Mohsen, watching this journey from afar is a way of honoring that complexity. She finds that witnessing the daughter’s "identity achievement"—the process by which she establishes her own sense of self—is a profoundly moving experience. It allows Mohsen to participate in the daughter’s life as a silent well-wisher, feeling a sense of pride that she believes the late mother would share.
The Psychology of the Silent User
The broader discourse on why people “lurk” often overlooks these deeply personal, emotional motivations. While some may assume that silence on social media equates to apathy or a lack of engagement, the reality is often the opposite. For many, silence is a form of respect. It is an intentional withdrawal from the performative nature of social media to allow for a more genuine, internal experience.
In the case of grief, silence is often a form of protection—both for the observer and the observed. It allows the individual to maintain a connection to the deceased through their loved ones without forcing a relationship that may not be desired or appropriate. It is a way of saying, "I am here, I am watching, and I am holding space for your growth," without requiring anything in return.
Furthermore, this behavior challenges the traditional binary of active versus passive engagement. If an observer is experiencing deep, positive emotions, reflecting on the passage of time, or finding solace in the accomplishments of others, they are certainly not “passive” in an emotional sense. Their engagement is simply internal rather than external. In an era where digital interaction is often synonymous with a “like” or a “comment,” the silent observer serves as a reminder that the most significant interactions—those that shape our internal world—do not always leave a trace on a server.
As technology continues to reshape how we interact with our social circles, the space for this type of quiet observation is likely to expand. Digital platforms offer us unprecedented access to the lives of others, and it is up to the individual to decide how to navigate that access. For many, the choice to remain silent is not a symptom of digital isolation, but a conscious decision to value boundaries, respect the process of growth, and manage their own emotional well-being in the face of loss.
For now, Mohsen continues her practice of observing from the digital periphery. She maintains the boundary between her own memories and the daughter’s future, finding a quiet, enduring comfort in the act of watching. While she acknowledges that a reunion might be possible in the future, she is content with her current role. She is a silent spectator in the life of someone she cares for, wishing her well through the screen, and continuing the long, personal work of coping with loss in a world that is increasingly connected, yet occasionally best experienced from a distance.
