By [Author Name]
Written in collaboration with Tristan Lavender
Western cultures have long prescribed a rigid manual for how empathy should look, sound, and feel. From active listening seminars to general social etiquette, people are routinely taught a specific set of rules for showing care: do not try to fix the problem, do not offer unsolicited advice, and never respond to someone else’s emotional disclosure by sharing a similar story of your own. Instead, conventional wisdom dictates that a supportive individual should simply listen and remain quietly present within the other person’s experience.
While this advice can certainly be beneficial in many contexts, treating empathy as a rigid, one-size-fits-all formula creates a significant blind spot. It leaves virtually no room for individuals who convey care, concern, and solidarity through different communicative avenues. For autistic individuals in particular, this narrow standard often results in their authentic expressions of empathy being fundamentally misread, undervalued, or outright dismissed by allistic—or non-autistic—society.
Empathy Is Culturally Shaped
Fields like cultural psychology have long established that human perceptions, social norms, and expected forms of caring vary significantly across different communities and backgrounds. Cross-cultural research demonstrates that what is considered standard support in one environment may be viewed entirely differently in another. For instance, in one comparative study, European Americans reported providing a higher volume of emotion-focused support than problem-focused support, whereas Japanese participants displayed the exact opposite pattern.
Furthermore, psychological literature frequently distinguishes between explicit support—such as directly seeking advice, reassurance, and emotional comfort—and implicit support, which derives psychological relief from the mere feeling of connection to valued social groups. In a series of studies examining these dynamics, Asian and Asian-American participants derived greater psychological benefit from implicit support, while European Americans benefited more explicitly from direct, verbalized support.
These findings highlight a broader truth: how human beings communicate, process, and receive care is deeply shaped by cultural and social contexts. Consequently, holding onto the assumption that there is a single, universally correct human way to empathize is highly dubious.
Yet, this narrow benchmark remains precisely the standard to which autistic people are held. When neurodivergent individuals display differences in how they process and express empathy, those variations are frequently mischaracterized as a fundamental emotional deficit.
How Autistic Expressions of Empathy Can Be Misinterpreted
Autism functions simultaneously as a neurodevelopmental difference and, for countless autistic individuals, the bedrock of a rich shared culture. Scholars have increasingly documented how autistic communities form around shared experiences, unique identities, specific communication styles, and alternative ways of making meaning. The way autistic individuals navigate social interactions and express empathy is fundamentally shaped by both their unique neurological wiring and their distinct cultural learning.
To be clear, researchers note that many autistic individuals can find it genuinely challenging to recognize or respond to the emotional states of others, even when they care about them deeply. This phenomenon can be particularly pronounced among autistic individuals who also experience alexithymia—a difficulty in identifying and describing one’s own and others’ emotions, which occurs at significantly higher rates within the autistic population compared to the allistic majority. However, as Damian Milton’s conceptual framework of the "double empathy problem" suggests, communicative friction is rarely one-sided. Non-autistic people frequently struggle just as intensely with expressing and understanding empathy toward autistic individuals.
As a result, autistic people often express care and concern through channels that do not neatly align with non-autistic social conventions. When observers fail to recognize these differences, they frequently default to the incorrect assumption that autistic individuals are indifferent to the feelings of others. As some autism researchers have observed, autistic people may appear to lack empathy simply because they are following an entirely different response script than the non-autistic majority.
Consider common conversational patterns. When an autistic person hears about a friend or colleague’s crisis, their immediate instinct may be to dive into problem-solving mode. Conventional social advice often labels this reaction as "fixing instead of empathizing" or committing a social error. However, from the perspective of the speaker, the intended message may simply be: You are hurting, and I want to help you fix this.
Similarly, an individual might respond to someone’s narrative by sharing a parallel personal experience. While mainstream social rules may prematurely dismiss this as "making the conversation about yourself," the underlying intention is often quite the opposite: I understand your pain, and I have navigated similar waters too.
Other facets of autistic communication are frequently subjected to similar misconstruals. Providing granular, detailed information during a crisis may be an autistic person’s way of saying, I found resources that might actually help you. Directness in communication can simply mean, I care about you enough to tell you what I genuinely think rather than offering empty platitudes. Furthermore, an autistic person who falls completely silent during an emotionally intense interaction is not necessarily demonstrating cold indifference; rather, they may be experiencing sensory or emotional overload and desperately need time to process the moment.
None of these communicative behaviors are exclusively autistic, nor are they universal across every autistic person, and they are certainly not interpreted the exact same way by everyone. Problem-solving can land as intrusive or deeply welcome depending on the moment, and personal anecdotes can either derail a conversation or provide profound validation. Personal context, boundaries, and impact always matter.
However, cultural interpretation matters just as much. When an autistic person’s unique style of communication is consistently misconstrued, the professional and personal fallout can extend far beyond a single awkward interaction. An autistic employee, for instance, might be unfairly labeled as "difficult" or emotionally detached, leading them to be routinely passed over for promotions, all because what appeared to be insensitivity was actually a sincere form of care expressed through problem-solving.
For decades, the standard paradigm has measured autistic individuals almost exclusively by how accurately and fluidly they recognize and respond to non-autistic social and emotional cues. A more pressing question—one that researchers and society are only beginning to ask—is how well non-autistic people recognize and validate autistic expressions of empathy.
Rather than automatically assuming that someone lacks compassion simply because their care arrived in an unfamiliar packaging, observers can cultivate curiosity about what a given behavior means to the person performing it. Asking what someone was trying to communicate, rather than assuming an immediate negative interpretation, leaves essential room for the reality that a person’s underlying intention may be vastly different from outside perceptions.
Equally, individuals on all sides of the neurodivergent spectrum can strive to be more transparent about the specific kinds of support that serve them best, moving away from the expectation that others should simply guess their emotional needs. Ultimately, true empathy may require acknowledging and respecting that different minds express care in fundamentally different ways.
