For separated parents striving to maintain a strong connection with their children across different households, modern technology often seems like an ideal solution. Video calling platforms like FaceTime have become standard additions to contemporary parenting plans, allowing young children to see and speak with the parent they are currently apart from. Yet, family dynamics and child development experts are increasingly warning that rigid, daily digital check-ins may not always serve a child’s best interests—and can sometimes become a significant source of hidden stress.
The issue came to light recently through a common dilemma shared by a father navigating a joint custody arrangement. Writing to family advisors, a father described a familiar routine: his four-year-old son alternates living between his household and the mother’s home every few days. Despite ongoing disagreements between the parents, both share a deep attachment to the boy and miss him acutely during his absences. To bridge the gap, they formally requested a mandatory daily FaceTime call be written into their legal custody order.
However, the well-intentioned arrangement has begun to show strain. The father recently noticed that his young son exhibits visible anxiety as the scheduled time for the call with his mother approaches. On one particular evening, the boy flatly refused to participate, stating he simply did not want to talk. Left wondering what changed in his son’s behavior, the father sought guidance on how to interpret and handle the situation.
Family relationship specialists point out that while phone and video calls are frequently incorporated into parenting plans with the noble intention of helping children feel close to both adults, the strategy is far from universally beneficial. For long-distance co-parenting situations—where a parent and child may go weeks or even months without seeing each other in person—video calls serve as a crucial lifeline. In those scenarios, regular digital communication helps maintain a vital bond across vast geographical divides.
The dynamic changes dramatically, however, in shared-custody arrangements where children move back and forth between households every few days. For a young child, transitioning between two homes requires emotional adjustment and a period of settling in. Strictly scheduled, mandatory phone calls can interrupt this vital process, preventing the child from calmly establishing a routine and feeling secure in their immediate environment.
The disruption is often magnified when the parents themselves experience high levels of tension and communicate poorly. When a custody order requires co-parents to coordinate a daily call despite an otherwise strained relationship, the process can quickly become fraught with difficulty. This is especially true for toddlers and preschoolers, who are far too young to manage a video call independently.
At four years old, a child requires an adult to hold the device, dial the number, and prompt them to speak. This forces parents who may prefer to have no direct interaction whatsoever to coordinate daily, creating an environment charged with unspoken or overt hostility. Some parents admit feeling that mandatory calls are merely a tool for the other party to monitor their home environment or assert control. When adults approach these interactions with suspicion or resentment, creating a relaxed, positive experience for the child becomes nearly impossible. The underlying anticipation of conflict can easily transfer anxiety from the parents directly onto the child.
Given these underlying pressures, experts suggest it should come as little surprise when young children eventually balk at making the calls. Child psychologists note that a child’s resistance to a phone call can stem from the exact same emotional roots as resistance to moving between homes. Often, the hesitation is not necessarily a reaction to the other parent as an individual, but rather a response to the lingering tension between the adults. In many cases, a child’s reluctance is an instinctive reaction that translates to a simple message: enough is enough.
Experts advise parents to engage in careful self-reflection before insisting that phone or FaceTime calls be mandated as a rigid component of a child’s parenting plan. Adults must ask themselves a fundamental question: Is the daily phone call truly for the benefit of the child, or is it primarily to soothe the separation anxiety of the parent?
When a child is forced to check in daily with the parent they are currently away from, it may prevent them from ever truly settling into their current surroundings. Each scheduled call forces the child to mentally revisit their parents’ separation on a daily basis. When the legal requirement of the call takes precedence over the actual emotional experience of the child, the arrangement ultimately works against their well-being.
Conversely, when parents maintain a cooperative and amicable relationship, casual phone interactions can remain lighthearted and fun. For instance, sharing a quick snapshot of a child’s gymnastics practice or school activity might naturally prompt the child to initiate a return call later for positive reinforcement. Similarly, if a child spontaneously asks to speak to the other parent, that request serves as a clear, organic cue to facilitate the connection.
The manner in which adults respond during these calls also plays a critical role in shaping the child’s emotional state. When a parent hears their child’s voice on the line, a soothing and grounding response is vital. Experts advise using a relaxed and reassuring tone, such as expressing happiness at hearing from them, rather than leaning heavily into expressions of grief or loneliness. Saying things like how much they are missed and how life is not the same without them can place an immense psychological burden on a young mind.
Even though a parent may genuinely feel that way, sharing those heavy emotional sentiments can inadvertently spike a child’s anxiety. It forces the youngster to feel caught directly between the two people they love most in the world, wrestling with the heavy realization that one parent misses them deeply and they cannot physically be in two places at once. The resulting pressure can be overwhelming for a young child’s developing emotional capacity.
The ultimate success of intermittent digital communication depends almost entirely on how parents manage the interactions. If parents are determined to keep calls in the parenting plan, they must ensure the execution remains entirely focused on the child’s comfort rather than adult insecurities.
When parents consistently struggle to keep the experience positive, family specialists suggest it is far better to seek a modification to the custody arrangement than to continue forcing a child through a stressful daily exchange. The foundational purpose of any remote check-in is to support and nurture the child’s ongoing relationship with both parents, and that primary objective should always dictate how the adults handle the process.
Ultimately, phone and video calls can serve as an effective tool for maintaining continuity and predictability, provided they are handled collaboratively. When co-parents reinforce each other’s important place in the child’s life with mutual respect, technology successfully bridges the physical gap. However, when digital check-ins are utilized out of insecurity or a desire to establish territory—driven by fears that a child might forget them—the dynamic shifts. Instead of receiving comfort and support, the child is left trying to soothe the anxiety of the parent, completely defeating the purpose of the interaction.
